“Say Happy Easter!” I shout as I click the self-timer button on my camera and run towards where my little family is standing. I grab A and place her on my hip and point to the camera. It clicks 10 times and is finished. I put A back into JJ’s arms as I run back to the camera to see if any of the photos turned out. I really wanted to take a few pictures of sweet A in her beautiful Easter dress. JJ sat her down and we both started to make silly noises for her to smile at. She wasn’t having it. To be honest, she’s been having a lot of these moments lately.
***I feel the need to add this before I continue. JJ and I realize that this is our first time raising a 1 year old and that sometimes littles just get upset and have behaviors. As foster parents, however, we work with a professional team who specialize in an array of different childhood behaviors, psychology, and physical development. We are our foster children’s advocates. We work very diligently with A’s team and with A to make sure that we are covering all the bases and getting her the help she needs if and when she needs it. That being said, we are in no way telling others how to parent or saying what we are doing is what others should do. We simply want to share our experiences in hopes that they may be helpful to other foster/adoptive families.
It’s been almost a year since we sat in our first foster class. The very first thing they teach you as a foster parent are the types of trauma these littles experience and the behaviors that occur from it. They are in no way trying to be negative by doing this, they want you to be fully aware of what you are getting yourselves into. I have my masters degree in Special Education and so upon hearing much of these things I wasn’t too surprised. As a teacher, I had witnessed these kinds of behaviors from my students plenty of times. Many of my students were foster children so I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into. The first foster class affected JJ differently. It messed him up. He couldn’t believe the things little ones go through at such a young age and how they try to coup with it all. It’s honestly what made him really decide that he wanted to be a foster Dad. We both went into this thinking we knew what to expect and on paper we did, but when you introduce a little human into your home, your life, and ultimately your heart it changes how you look at everything you had previously learned before. It gives a face, a name, a personality to what before was just a paragraph in a book about an example of a trauma.
A is just old enough to begin understanding her little world and as a result she has started to become more vocal and physically expressive about how she is feeling. My job is to calm her down, to let her cry, hold her close, sing her favorite song, and make sure she knows that she’s safe, loved and wanted.
A has spent all her first holidays with us and Easter was our first holiday with her and Sunshine. Let me tell you…it was a GAME CHANGER. Here are a few tips that have helped us and a few things that we learned from this past weekend:
Expectations:
It’s going to be crazy..just know that going into it. Throw all expectations out the window. If your kiddo does have certain behaviors email your family and let them know what to expect and how they can help. Try to remember to enjoy your family and make the holiday a positive one for your little one(s).
Grandparents/Relatives:
Your parents are trying to be helpful. Grandparents want to spoil their grandbabies. This was really hard for me at first. Our parents dealt with us so differently and it’s hard for them to understand fully. We can’t always share our kiddos whole stories and that can offend some family members. They will comment on your parenting, tell you what your littles should and shouldn’t eat, how to burp the baby properly, or anything they feel is helpful. Handle it with grace. The last thing I wanted to do at Easter was talk about foster care, but everyone has questions and wants to talk about it. Agree with your spouse (and bio kiddos if you have bios) what is appropriate to share with family and how to answer questions with grace.
Can We Hold The Baby?
I know not all fosters have babies, but family members are going to want to hold your kiddos and interact with them, as they should! Our sweet foster littles so need that. They need to learn to trust, and be with family. There will be a point, however, where your kiddo just needs a break. They will need to be somewhere that isn’t overstimulating. At my grandparents house I took A and Sunshine to their porch swing. We snuggled up just the three of us, they drank their bottles and I sang to them. If you are staying somewhere for the weekend or for a long day, especially if nap times get messed with, littles need those extra snuggles and a break.
They look like & act like normal kids…
This is my favorite from family, and friends, Yes, A and Sunshine don’t have physical disabilities, but they have been through a lot in their small lives. Trauma is a real thing they face every day and sometimes the most random things can be a trigger. If you are reading this and you are not a foster parent, remember to be careful how you phrase things in front of our sweet kiddos. None of this is their fault, and they should not feel “different” because they are foster children. Remember that they deserve to have their childhood. Holidays and family gatherings are a wonderful and healthy place to foster within our little ones how families treat each other, help one another, and enjoy time together. Family is a huge piece of helping them learn to heal and learn to trust. Help those in your family to do that well! 🙂
Can I post a picture?
Holidays are a time for tons of fun pictures with family. I LOVE taking pictures and adore the ones I can snap of my family. Rules have changed a lot within the foster care world when it comes to pictures. It is our personal choice to never reveal their whole face. Our families handle this so well. They ask before they post and they are always very respectful about covering their faces and not referring to them as foster kiddos. They are apart of our family and they should be and will be treated as such. Talk with your family about pictures and talk with your agency. The rules seems to be different every where and many people have their own opinions about children having their pictures on the internet. JJ and I also have an private iCloud photo stream that we use to share sweet videos or photos of the kiddos with our family. That has been a wonderful way to share those moments and update everyone.
Bring it all:
We have a Grand Jeep Cherokee and oh man is it always packed to the brim! We have found that on trips or holidays, packing more is always better than backing less. There is no such thing as packing light when you have two babies under 18 months! We always pack our own food/snacks, and our Baby Snug so that we can feed A anywhere if we need to. Our 4moms Bouncer also comes with us everywhere for Sunshine. He has awful acid reflux due to a few things and he needs to be at an angle when lying down. He takes amazing naps in it and it has been such a huge help when every we go to see family or on a trip. We always pack extra milk and water in a cooler we keep in the car on trips (We live in Arizona, cool liquids are a must!). I also bring A’s favorite doll Max with us on trips or to family incase she gets overwhelmed. I also always have at least one-two Solly Wraps on me at all times, I generally have one already wrapped around my body. The poor gal at Starbucks probably thinks I’m preparing for battle or something when she sees me roll up with my Solly wrapped across my chest. Having your Solly ready to go when you travel is a must! I still baby wear both babies and sometimes when they get too overwhelmed or just refuse to nap when we are with family or out, I just wrap them up and allow them that comfort that they need. You can’t expect your family to baby-proof their homes so you have to house-proof your littles. Bringing essentials from home will make your trip less stressful. And just as a side note, I always have at least 3 packages of wipes on hand at any given moment 😉
We are new parents and are learning all of this literally as we go. Every day we learn something new and every day is an adventure.
I wanted to add to this post that when we first became foster parents we sent a letter to our whole family and closest friends giving them a lot of this info as well as rules for foster care. If any of you are needing something like this please send me an email and I will be happy to send you the letter we sent our families to help them prepare for our foster littles.
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Hey! My husband and I are starting the foster process. I have so many questions! What did your children call your parents before they were adopted? What did they call you?
Our kids are very young. They have always just called us Mama and Dada. We made it a point to make a distinction between myself(Mama) and the kids bio-mother(Mommy). Some of our friends who have older kids have them call them by their first name. We had them call our parents Grandma and Grandpa. Our agency said that this was a very healthy and normal thing.
Feel free to ask any other questions as well!