A Letter To My Children On My First Mother’s Day

I woke up this morning to the sound of the babies cooing. They were awake and ready for the day. I snuck out of bed to let JJ sleep in (he has been working a lot lately), and into the nursery. We spent the morning cuddling, singing, reading books and playing. It was a quiet little morning with my two little babes. It was my first real Mother’s Day. I say that because 3 years ago I became a mama, it just looks a bit different today. Mother’s Day comes with mixed emotions for me for a few reasons.

I grapple everyday with the reality of being a foster mom and what that means. I share the name “mom” with another woman. A woman who is hurt, a woman who doesn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day with these little ones and I do. That is a huge honor, and responsibility. I love A and Sunshine like they are my own. I can’t imagine our life without them. To be honest, they have been through so much and it’s hard for me to imagine them going through more. I struggle with this…everyday.

I am their 24/hr a day, no matter what mama. For now I am their “mama” and I am going to love them for every moment of it.

Right now they are tucked in their beds and I have a few moments. I wanted to write all of my children a letter for my first mothers days. So, here is my love letter to each of my 6 children.

To Our First Two Babies,

We had been married for about a year when you came a long. I was so excited. I’m talking BEYOND excited, like over the moon, oh my goodness type of excited. I remember taking a little video of a stick with a two lines on it. I sent it to your Dad. He couldn’t wait to get home. We couldn’t believe it. You were so loved and so wanted. You were an answer to so much prayer. About a week later something felt off and just like that you were gone. It was a whirlwind of emotions for a few months. You will always be our first and little baby who made me a mom. We will always love you little one.

It was the week before Mother’s Day when I started to feel sick. I passed out at work and had to go to the doctor. That is how we learned about you. I think to me loving you and loosing you was the hardest for me. I didn’t get to celebrate you, I didn’t get to imagine my life with you, we never even knew about you. I carried that guilt with me for a long time. I thought my body was being weird because of stress. The school year was ending and as a teacher the end of the school year is a lot of work. I barely ate or slept that month and when I found out that I had carried you and then lost you all in one long and painful doctors appointment it was too much to bear.  I remember clutching my stomach on the floor of the teacher’s lounge bathroom holding in my sobs as my body let you go. It was a dark and lonely time for me. There are some days where I still cry about you little one. You are with us always and loved deeply.

To Our First Foster Babies,

CC,

I can’t even get through this first sentence without crying. I did’t understand the love a mama can have for her baby until I met you. I can remember the first time I held you and I can remember the last. I can remember not sleeping those first few nights because I was afraid that something might happen to you. I would stay awake and just pray over you. You had the best smile and you were loved by so many people in the short time you stayed with us. You taught me to love and to be brave. You taught me that I can be a foster mama and I will always be so grateful to you for that. Thankfully, your biological mom and I have stayed in touch. So, I hope to always know you in some way. I hope to watch you grow, and to be there for you as much as you need me. We love you sweet girl and we are so happy that we get to be a part of your life.

Tiny,

My strong little man! You are still one of the strongest and bravest people I know. You are about 9 months old now and I hope you are doing so well. You came to us one night and left a few days later. You had a lot of health complications that were really scary to us. You taught me that sickness doesn’t mean weakness. I wish I had known you for longer. I wish I could run my fingers through your curly hair and listen to your little sneeze. Maybe someday I will see you again. Know that we pray for you every night and love you.

To A & Sunshine,

Sweet A,

It’s been 8 months. Gosh, I can’t believe it. It has felt like a lot longer than that. You were not what I was expecting when I got off the phone with the dispatcher who told me to expect a little 9 week old baby girl. Little did I know that saying yes to that phone call would change my life. You came to me confused, dirty, hungry, and scared. I can still remember holding you as we walked through Target because we had no clothes or diapers in your size. I have had the blessing of getting to teach you to crawl, to eat real food, to play peek-a-boo, to sleep in a crib, to walk, to give hugs, to give kisses, to talk, and to be a big sister and to trust. You are an amazing big sister by the way. You love to snuggle, kiss, and tickle your little brother and I pray that you two always remain close. You are the bravest little girl and you will do amazing things in this world. More than anything you have taught me about patience and joy. You always greet everyone with a smile and you are always ready to try something new. JJ calls you his “intrepid girl” and you are. I love being your mama and I love you more than you will ever know.

Sunshine,

You are just like your nickname, you bring a little brightness with you wherever you go. Meeting you and taking you home was one of the hardest days of my life, but it was also one of the most beautiful. You were so little even JJ was afraid to hold you. You have had some big struggles to overcome and I have been by your side for every second. You have taught me to have grace. What happened to you wasn’t fair or right and somedays when I think about it for too long it makes me mad and I want justice for you. You have been through so much and despite it all you are here and thriving. Your big smile and great laugh give me the strength to have grace. I have loved watching you grow and even though there are days where I have to change my shirt 10 different times, none of it matters because you are my little Sunshine. You are so loved sweet boy.

 

Love,

Your Mama