Why We Changed Our Adopted Children’s Names

“Winnie do you remember when you had a different name?”
“Hm. Yes, Mama! My name was not Winnie. But! I get adopted and my new name is…well, Winnie Joy Brenner.”
“How does having a new name make you feel?”
“Um…it make me feel like me and Max get to be together.”
“Does that make you feel happy?”
“Uh, huh…yes!”
“Me too, baby.”
Conversation with Winnie, age 3.

What do you think of when you think about the importance of a name? I don’t know about you, but my mind goes to that famous quote from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, 

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” 

For those of you who took English Lit you know that Juliet is saying something quite profound for a young teenager: that names themselves don’t hold the true value of a person. Names are simply what we use to label one another. While I do believe this is true, I also think there can be identity, culture, history, and legacy in something as simple as a name. 

I used to love listening to my parents as they would tell my sisters and I the stories about how they chose our names and why. Or the all-time favorite question for three little girls to ask, “What were our names going to be if we were BOYS?!” Later in life as a new foster mama my favorite question to ask the flustered case worker as they would hand us one of our foster babies was, “What is their name?” It helped me to connect to their story, their past, and most importantly, their family. 

Our first foster baby, a little girl, had the most beautiful name. It rhymed with papaya and in her time with us we wrote her a song using her name. After she went back home to her mother, it wasn’t until months later that I would hear her name again. I received a phone call but didn’t hear anyone on the other end, until a quiet voice started crying. “Hello,” the voice mustered, letting out a sob, “Is this _________’s foster mother?” Her beautiful name came through the phone loud and clear and I knew I was speaking to her mother. Only a mother could say a name with so much love like that. It was her name that bonded her mother and I that day. The name of the sweet baby girl who made me a Mama for the first time. A name I will never forget. 

In 3 years we have had 6 amazing foster children, each with names that I’m sure hold significance to their families. We always call our foster children by their biological names. Sure, we have nicknames for them, just like any family, but to other people, family, therapists, workers, their biological parents, we always use their biological names. 

Okay…I am going to stop here for a moment. I want to make sure I share this part of my children’s stories in an honoring way. I’m sure just like many of you in this world of “social media” we worry about how it will all impact our children. I have not and don’t always do a great job of sharing the realities of foster care. I want to share so people can see what it’s really like. How much these families and children really need help, support, protection, and advocacy. JJ and I were shocked and heartbroken to learn our adopted children’s story. Maybe someday they will be okay with me sharing more, or they will share themselves. For now, I can share mine and JJ’s story. Our story as parents and our story as a family. 

The real reason we changed their names: to give them a fresh start. A fresh start far away from the trauma, the pain, and ultimately, the past. Winnie specifically struggled with her biological name. She lived with her biological mother for 8 months before she came to live with us. Her other siblings came to us at birth, so she has a little bit more of a past with her biological family than they do. She and Max also had visits twice a week with their biological mother and sometimes family for over 2 years before their biological parent’s rights were terminated. So, they both spent a lot of time with their family. Sadly, visits allowed for a lot of the trauma to continue for them.

The other reason we changed their names? Their biological names and the legal aspects that come with names over time has become a major safety risk for more than one or two reasons. One of our children’s biological names was the exact same name as of one of their biological parents. At first, we thought this was done in an honoring way or maybe it was just a family tradition. It wasn’t until we tried to do our taxes the first year they were with us that we realized it had very little to do with namesake. Sadly, we found out that it happens A LOT to children in foster care. 

Lastly, it was a big conversation that we had as parents and as a family. We did not begin the transition to their names until after their biological parent’s rights were terminated. From last November until this May is how long it took for our family to get an adoption date. So, that is how long we have been calling them by their names. Our family’s story on our oldest two children’s names isn’t how it works for every family who adopts. If a birth name is special to a child then it is important to allow them that connection to their biological family. Many of our foster/adoptive friends will change their child’s first name but keep it as their middle name. There are many ways to honor their biological families, and culture through namesake. At the end of the day it all comes down to what is best for the child and what is best for your family.

Winifred Joy Brenner

Winnie got to help pick her name and she loved that. Actually, her name for about a month was Helen. It was my great-grandmother’s name and I had always wanted to name my child after her. We “tried it out” for a few weeks and it just didn’t stick. So, I googled the name Helen and at the bottom of the page it had names that were considered “similar”, and Winifred was one of those names. Come to find out, the name Winifred also had a beautiful meaning behind it. We knew that her middle name would be “Joy” and so the two together just fit her perfectly. It took about a day to stick and she loved it. I remember writing her birth name and her new name on a large piece of craft paper we were coloring on that day. I pointed to each of them and read them aloud. She looked at me with a curious little look when I said her biological name. She pointed to it and shook her head back and forth to mean “no”. I read the second one: “Winifred”. A huge smile spread across her face as she exclaimed,“Dats me!” She’s been our Winnie Joy ever since. 

Meanings: The original Welsh meaning for Winifred is “blessed peacemaker”. The name Joy means “great happiness”. 

In her adoption day book we wrote:

“Winifred means peace. We pray that for you. With a life yet lived in so much turmoil, we pray sweet Winnie, that you may find peace. The war is over, little one, you can sleep sweet. You have filled our lives with joy and you bring joy with you everywhere you go. You have shown us how God can show up in bigger ways than we ever thought possible. Dada & I pray that your heart would be at peace & that your life from here on out would be filled with so much joy. Winnie Joy Brenner, we love you so.”

Maxwell Clark Brenner

Max was 2½ when we adopted him. So, when their biological parent’s rights were terminated he was only 20 months old. We are not sure if he ever truly knew his biological name. Max struggled a lot during his first year of life for a few different reasons. I am not sure if that is why he didn’t really seem to “attach” to his biological name or not. Similarly to Winnie, it only took a day or so for him and us to adjust to his name. JJ and I both really loved the name Max and knew we wanted to name one of our children that someday. These days, if we even refer to him by his nick-name he will proudly stand, point to his chest and say, “NO! Me name is Max. I Max!” One of his favorite things to do when we are out and about is to say to people, “Hi! Me Max! ” It’s pretty cute to see him so proud of his name. 

Meanings: The Scottish meaning for Maxwell is “great”. The name Clark comes from Clark Kent, also known as Superman. JJ really wanted that to be his middle name because, as he put it while tears streamed down his face one night, “Superman was adopted too, and he was great!” 

In his adoption day book we wrote:

“Maxwell means greatest and that is what you are to us. In everything you do, you do it with gusto. You were the baby that wasn’t supposed to live & in your own short life you’ve shown us what greatness is. You remind us that God always has a more perfect plan than we could ever imagine. Dada and I pray that you know your greatness & use to to help others just like Superman. Maxwell Clark Brenner, we love you so.”

These adorable personalized chalkboards are from our friend Lindsay over at Chalk Full of Design. When I told her we would be adopting Winnie & Max she sent us these beautiful chalkboards to commemorate the big occasion. I love how versatile her products are! They can be used by our kiddo’s but can also be used as art anywhere in our home. If you are interested in purchasing your little ones one of Lindsay’s timeless chalkboards be sure to use the code: THEBRENNERBUNCH for 15% off! She’s also having a BOGO sale this weekend so head over to her shop to check it out!!